The five troubleshooters of team DMM-299 are brought together for what was supposed to be a simple mission – repair a malfunctioning Imana-665-C robot. Aside from the fact that they were told this robot is experimental and probably dangerous, and aside from the fact that none of them know a darn thing about repairing robots, and aside from the fact that between them they have exactly zero tools or spare parts or manuals or schematics or anything … aside from all of that, this was a very simple mission. At least Acting Undersecretary George gave them five laser barrels that they absolutely would not need. Definitely not. Nope. Won’t need them for sure.
The mission started off swimmingly when the Green jarheads escorting the team through the base ran through a hallway flooded with radiation – they had shields; the team did not. Hygeine Officer Taylor and Happiness Officer Kelly decided to charge unprotected through the radiation. Expect their hair to start falling off shortly, followed by other body parts in good order. While Loyalty Officer Terry searched the irradiated supply warehouse for some Red shields (she being the only team member with a faraday suit), Equipment Guy Parker and Team Leader Kaiden backtracked to Lab 7, where they did not ingest an anti-radiation compound which certainly did not permanently stain their teeth a colour that they did not have clearance for. Nope. Didn’t do that. No idea why Terry would possibly want to punch out all of their teeth.
Once the entire team had crossed, the grunts remembered they had shields for the team, and grunt Gunner went and fetched them. Gunner and Kurt enjoyed some verbal sparring about verb conjugation.
Gunner let the team into a hardened test chamber where the bot was being held. He quickly ushered the team in and closed the door, afraid that “it” would get out. The bot looked like a low-budget R2D2, and it activated when the team entered the room. A cone-like appendage, which appeared to be some sort of weapon, began tracking the team. Kurt ran to the other side of the room and unplugged the robot, which caused it to shut down (except for some blinking lights).
The team made their best efforts to repair the robot, although stymied by the lack of tools, instructions, and expertise, and the fact that the room stank like an abbatoir. Said efforts included – knocking pieces off the robot, trying to pull out a gasket by hand, attempting to open the robot (which caused Kelly’s hand to become trapped in the robot, so the entire team had to stop and free him), tipping over the robot, vomiting onto the robot, getting Kelly’s hand trapped in the robot AGAIN and this time nearly amputated, and spilling blood all over the robot. The natural result of all of these efforts was twofold – 1) Kelly nearly bled out on the floor, requiring Kaiden to apply a tourniquet made out of his shirt, and 2) the robot caught on fire. With no fire extinguisher or other tools, and the locked chamber filling with toxic smoke, the team had no other option than to smother the flames with their own urine-soaked clothing.
After informing Gunner that they had fixed the robot, Gunner unlocked the door and the team exited the test chamber. Gunner informed the team that George was stuck in meetings but they could wait around to inspect the robot with him at the end of the day. The team declined and (dragging the unconscious Kelly behind them) hurriedly boarded a transbot so that they would not get in the way of George claiming all of the glory for fixing the bot.
Kaiden was promoted to Orange, and several team members received bonuses for their loyal service. Kelly’s right arm had to be amputated below the elbow. George was probably executed.
The robot, it turns out, was a voice-activated fridge.